I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
