just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
