maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
