Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
