I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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