After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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