omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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