I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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