I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
