and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
