I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just found puke in my bra..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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