That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
