Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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