I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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