It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There r osticjed everywhere
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
