but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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