she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
