If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
