He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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