but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.