he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
