Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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