dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
