You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
