The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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