My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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