Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
