when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
