Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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