Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
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When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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