he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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