you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
are you so shy because you have an std?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
