dude i'm inner monologue high
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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