WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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