He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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