I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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