2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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