Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
