R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
