Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
