Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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