Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
