I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
