i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
