she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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