I'm lost and stupid without you.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
