she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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