I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
