There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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