How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
