I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
