My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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