THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
