I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
