just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
