Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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